I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
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Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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