we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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