shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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