Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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