His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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