Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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