I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
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I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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