Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
