Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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