Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
