remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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