when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
