my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
