you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
