Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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