why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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