Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
