saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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