Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
