You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
