I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
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We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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