take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
babies were throwing up all over the place
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
