i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
