Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
