So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Quick, to the slutcave!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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