can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I want to make a zoo with you.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
