Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
