3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
