Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
