Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
