Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
