btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
