Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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