The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
