So drunk its hurt
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
