i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
No stitches, just platelets and will power
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
