At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
