dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
