I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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