party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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