Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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