i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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