my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
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Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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