i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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