ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
