What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
