Got a toothbrush?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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