it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
