You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
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in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
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Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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