You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
