I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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