Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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