its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
This house was built for laser tag.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
