Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
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I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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