i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
