I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
