Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
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He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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