I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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