life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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